Bowling Ball

Posted on: August 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm. 10 comments

This song, could not be more true. Guys are a waste of time to deal with, and the pain just adds and adds and we shouldn’t think it’s worth it. God fucking hell, every time I give you another chance you fuck it up royally.

I hate people who cancel plans last minute. Plans like, they ask you to go with them over night to Toronto, and you get all excited, and figure out a way for it to work even though you work the next day. You’re willing to have to walk/ride a bike to work, and even consider calling in sick & do everything you can to make it work out, then last minute “nevermind I’m going with someone else now”. NO. Fuck. You. Don’t fucking make plans with me, and have me work out everything and do all I can to make it work and then just say ‘nevermind’. I don’t care that you ‘apologize greatly’ because that means SHIT when you could just change the situation. You could just maybe, idk.. put one of your friends OVER a girl, that you haven’t even fucking met yet. So I hope you REALLY do like this girl, because she is the one that is ruining this. And don’t you dare say that it’s not about her because it IS. You wouldn’t have found someone else if you didn’t want to go see her sooooo badly. Fuck. You.

I can’t wait until you figure out that the girl isn’t even your type. She wants to be a model, yet you hated if I even wore make up once. You hate the material girls, and that’s exactly what she is. So I can’t fucking wait for when you realize that, and want to come crawling back to me, realizing what you lost & how much you fucked up.

Don’t ever try talking to me again, unless it’s an ACTUAL, real apology. Don’t waste my time or my effort anymore, and stop fucking playing with my heart. You’re a jackass, and I’m so fucking done with your shit, like I should have been done 20 months ago, before we even STARTED this. And you’re SO not worth the tears I’m crying right now, but I’m so beyond pissed the fuck off right now.

All I can do is quote Katy Perry: “Shes a carbon copy of everything you lost, of everything im not.. guess you forgot, how to pick em… well this looks like the end, ya well we can still be friends. Congratulations! Let me be the first to wish you worst ’cause i think you deserve each other. Let me be the curse that creeps under your skin until your heart caves in and you wish she was me again”

10 comments Tags: Bitter, Boys, David, Life, Music, Rants, Realizations, Relationships, Self, Videos.

I fail.

Posted on: August 19, 2010 at 10:02 pm. 6 comments

Talking to him makes me want to cry. NOT talking to him makes me want to cry. I don’t want to cry. Gah, I hate this all. Whatever though, enough about all of that stupidness in my life.

Today, I hung out with my friends and we just basically chilled & watched ‘She’s out of my league’. It was a good movie, really cutee. It was oddly long though, meh. So if anyone hasn’t seen it yet, I suggest going to see it There are some disturbing scenes and some that are just reeaaaaally awkward, but it was a good movie I also bought the movies ‘Away We Go’ & ‘Obsessed’ because they were on sale, buy one get one free & so it was $5 for them both. I’ve wanted to see Away We Go FOREVERR so I shall watch it sometime.

I also bought the book Eat Pray Love yesterday and I’ve just finished the Italy section, but I haven’t read any since yesterday. Tomorrow, I have a longish drive + an hour wait for my sister to do her exam, so I’m gonna take it with me to read on the way/while waiting. And then I get to go shoppingg I’m hoping to get some new clothes for school, but I won’t need much. And I want a cute new outfit because I’m possibly going to a party tomorrow night with my friend (it’s her friend’s older brother’s birthday) where there will be older guys and booze my favourite things perhaps. I work until nine, but then I’m going after that with Taylor.

I’m also working on a new layout for this site. It’s in the coding stages, but I’m just having troubles getting the sidebar to work right and not cut off instead of going all down the screen. So once I figure that out & work out all the CSS coding, it should be up So by the end of the weekend, hopefully.. depending on how much I’m actually home.

That’s about it. I feel boring without the 30 day challenge, like all I can do is blog about my day.. whateverrr, I’ll hopefully have something more interesting to blog about tomorrow..or the next day.

6 comments Tags: Best Friends, Boys, David, Family, Hurt, Life, Lover Dearest, Parties, Shopping, Sisters.

Eat Pray Love

Posted on: August 18, 2010 at 3:23 pm. 6 comments

So.. it’s done. He drove to my house last night, and we only had like half an hour to hang out before he had to go home (so I really don’t even know why he bothered coming but…). We were just laying in the back of his car, because there wasn’t much else we could do. I was crying the whole time, because I knew it was going to be hard and I didn’t WANT to do it, but I knew I had to.

Since last.. Thursday, we’ve had this ‘friends with benefits’ thing. Only, I knew that I’d get no benefits because I’d get hurt eventually anyways. I knew I would get hurt, and the people who knew about it told me I’d get hurt.. but I still kept doing it anyways. And truthfully, it was nice to get to be close to him again and be able to let myself believe that we would work out. But at the same time, I knew we WEREN’T together and it would eventually end, and I’d get hurt. And it hurt then, too.

So I decided that I would end it, before I could get even more attached. He kept telling me not to get attached, but really.. he had to know I already was. So he came yesterday, and brought me back the box of stuff from our relationship (I just wanted it for the memories, I guess). Then we drove around a bit and ended up just taking a bit of a nap. He was laying on top of me, and I was crying basically for ten minutes, without him doing anything. He said after in a text that he knew I was crying, and he knew what was wrong so he just stayed quiet and hugged me, like I used to tell him was all it took to cheer me up. Except I wanted him to talk this time, so that I could tell him (in person) everything about needing to cut him off, but I couldn’t do it.

So when I got home, I wrote him a facebook message, telling him I think he’s wrong about us & why we won’t work out, and that I think one day he’ll realize what he’s losing.. but that I can’t wait for that day. I can’t keep letting myself get hurt, so I have to cut him off. My friends texted me right before I sent it, and said they randomly decided to go to the movies to see Eat Pray Love, so I was gonna go with them. So I said at the end of the message that I was going to the movies now, and after that I wouldn’t be in his life.

All he replied was “you’re going to the movies at nine at night?” and it reminded me of all the reasons we SHOULDN’T be together. How I can’t do anything right. I can’t go to the movies, because it’s not productive & I’ll be up too late. I can’t stay home though, because then I’m just doing nothing all day. I can’t hang out with my friends or it means I have no life. I can’t have a job because it’s not graphic design related and takes away from my website time, but I also can’t have a website because that means I do nothing all day.

On the way to the movies, I was in the backseat & Taylor was driving, with Serena in the passenger seat. They started asking me about David, and I started crying so Serena crawled into the backseat to sit with me & hug me. I made myself stop crying by the time we got to the theater, and I had been texting Brandon who happened to be at the theater. He had apparently been sitting outside for two hours waiting for his friend, who was talking to his girlfriend. So once we got there he waited with us for our movie to start ’cause it didn’t start until 10:10, but then he went home once his friend came back.

So we watched Eat Pray Love, and it was amazing. Two of us who saw it really liked it, but the other two said it was boring. I want to go and get the book today, if I can get a ride to the book store. It may have just been because I felt like I could relate a lot to Liz, as she was doing all of this to get over her relationship & find herself. I could relate to a lot of the quotes and situations she was in, and I guess that’s what made me love it so much.. because it gave me some perspective on my own life. The book is on my 20 books to read before I turn 20 list so hopefully I can cross it off soon

When I got home (at like 1am) I replied to David, and told him “you can have all of me, in a relationship and trying again, or you can have none of me. No half way, no friends with benefits. And if you choose nothing, then it’s nothing. No texting or hang outs, no facebook messages or msn conversations. If this is it, it’s it.” and he replied this morning, asking why we couldn’t be friends or even just acquaintances, but I just said that for me to move on, it has to be like this & maybe one day we could be friends again.

His number was deleted from my phone last week, and I just now deleted the text conversation we had. I’m debating on whether or not I want to block him from facebook, or just hide him from my news feed. I kind of like the idea of him not being able to see my profile at all, and not knowing anything.. but he could just see it when he hangs out with Brandon :/ Idk. I’ll see if he replies again to the message when he gets home from work, and then I’ll decide.

6 comments Tags: Best Friends, Brandon, David, Heartbreak, Hurt, Life, Love, Movies, Realizations, Relationships, Self.

WordPress Themes

Posted on: August 17, 2010 at 7:33 pm. 5 comments

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Well, this challenge is officially over. I planned on this post being about how today, I was going to cut David out of my life. I told him this morning that I wanted him to bring the box (the one of all the things that I had from our relationship. I just want it for the memories) and that I wanted to talk to him about some stuff. HE said he was tired of talking and I should just say what ever I wanted to say, but it wouldn’t have all fit in a text and I wanted it to be in person. But, ‘he was too tired after work’ so now I’m going to see him tonight, and IDK if he’ll keep making excuses to not see me just so he can avoid talking or if he will come tomorrow.

I don’t want to do this, but I know that if I keep talking to him and hanging out with him like we do, I’m not going to move on and he will. I’m going to get hurt, and I can’t keep putting myself through that. Do I think he’s wrong for the reasons we’re broken up? Yes. Do I think he’ll change his mind? Maybe. Do I think I should keep waiting? No. Do I want to? Yes, but I know I can’t do that. It’s not fair to me. He’s doing everything I did last summer when I pushed him away and said we were better off not dating. Except, it’s still different. So, tomorrow if all goes well.. I’m going to tell him that even though I think we could work, I’m done holding on. I’m done talking to him, and texting him because it’s just going to keep hurting me. It is his loss, and I think one day he’ll realize that. And I hope that on that day, when he does realize that.. it’ll be when I’m happy, and moved on so I don’t let him do this again.

So I’ll focus on working. And my site. I’ve been trying to make a new layout, but I’ve been lacking motivation. I also want to start up my portfolio soon, as well as maybe make some layouts to sell. Lately, I’ve been looking for some free wordpress themes so I can download some, take a look at the codes and learn more about WordPress coding. I came across WPrex, which is a site filled with amazing, free wordpress themes. There are plenty of different styles and categories to choose from, and all of the themes are professional and really amazing. So if anyone is looking for a free wordpress theme, check them out!

So this is it for the challenge. It’s been a good 30 days, and maybe I’ll look for a new one to start. I still have my design a day challenge and I’m really liking it so far. I’m gonna go and try to work on a new layout a bit now.

EDiTT// Scratch that. David just texted me, and is leaving for my house now. Wish me luck? I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do this…

5 comments Tags: 30 Day Challenge, David, Free Wordpress Theme, Heartbreak, Life, Money, Paid Blogging, Realizations, Relationships.