We Both Know Who You Are
Posted on: January 7, 2012 at 11:36 pm. 2 comments
Sometimes, I’m conflicted with my thoughts about whether or not I really want you to text me. I mean, I don’t. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to deal with you. You don’t deserve the time of day, nor do you deserve me talking to you. You sure as hell never deserved me (okay, maybe not never. You did before, way back when I first met you. When I thought I didn’t deserve you), and you don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing you’re leaving me in peace by not texting me. Because it’s still not peace. You can’t do the things you did, and say the things you said, and not apologize for it. Obviously I’m going to be angry. Obviously I’m not going to want to talk to you. Obviously we can never be friends, because it’s the same shit every time. All of those things are obvious. But the fact that you aren’t apologizing just makes me angrier.
The fact that you can text my best friend, talking to her, inviting her out.. but you can’t even apologize to me. You were never close with her. She only put up with you because I was dating you and quite frankly, none of my friends like you. Not because of the things you did to me. But you don’t have the right to text her. You don’t have the right to text her and ask her for advice on whether or not to apologize to me, because I kept it quiet this time. They don’t know half of the pain I felt, because they wouldn’t let me talk about it. They said I was just going to get hurt, and they didn’t want to hear it. So I didn’t say anything. And I told them it ended, and that was it. And I yelled at them for asking. Because they didn’t want to know before, only when it failed. You were the first reason I ever got into a fight with one of my best friends. The first thing to ever make me actually angry at her. So you don’t get to ask my friends for advice. You don’t get to act buddy buddy, because they aren’t going to hang out with you.
Sometimes I feel like I just need to cry it all out. But I can’t. Because I can’t allow myself to cry over someone that means to little to me now. I can’t allow myself to cry over you yet again, when all those times were wasted because there would just be another the next day. So while I won’t say this to anyone, just fucking text me already. So that I can be strong enough to not reply, and so that I know you’re not fully a piece of scum like you have proven to be. Prove that there’s still a tiny piece of the old you left, so that I can at least sleep knowing that those two and a half years weren’t a total waste. Because I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but I can’t sleep anymore. Ever since you guys broke up, I can never get to sleep. I can never even get a text without fearing that it will be from you. Text me so I can sleep again, and be at peace with the fact that I will never be in your life again. By choice this time.
Also, I’m not really sure if I really loved you or not. I mean, I THOUGHT I did. I really thought I did, because why else would I put up with all of your shit? But as time goes on, sometimes I think I was just lonely. But being in love is a better reason for putting up with it than being lonely, so I’ll stick with loving you. But I know that I didn’t feel half the things for you, or want to do as much or work as hard or anything as much as I have wanted to with some other people that I wasn’t even dating. Maybe it was just puppy love, and I thought it had to be love because we had been together so long. I mean, I did only first tell you to make you stay on MSN and talk to me instead of watching Top Gear.
