We Both Know Who You Are
Posted on: January 7, 2012 at 11:36 pm. 2 comments
Sometimes, I’m conflicted with my thoughts about whether or not I really want you to text me. I mean, I don’t. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to deal with you. You don’t deserve the time of day, nor do you deserve me talking to you. You sure as hell never deserved me (okay, maybe not never. You did before, way back when I first met you. When I thought I didn’t deserve you), and you don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing you’re leaving me in peace by not texting me. Because it’s still not peace. You can’t do the things you did, and say the things you said, and not apologize for it. Obviously I’m going to be angry. Obviously I’m not going to want to talk to you. Obviously we can never be friends, because it’s the same shit every time. All of those things are obvious. But the fact that you aren’t apologizing just makes me angrier.
The fact that you can text my best friend, talking to her, inviting her out.. but you can’t even apologize to me. You were never close with her. She only put up with you because I was dating you and quite frankly, none of my friends like you. Not because of the things you did to me. But you don’t have the right to text her. You don’t have the right to text her and ask her for advice on whether or not to apologize to me, because I kept it quiet this time. They don’t know half of the pain I felt, because they wouldn’t let me talk about it. They said I was just going to get hurt, and they didn’t want to hear it. So I didn’t say anything. And I told them it ended, and that was it. And I yelled at them for asking. Because they didn’t want to know before, only when it failed. You were the first reason I ever got into a fight with one of my best friends. The first thing to ever make me actually angry at her. So you don’t get to ask my friends for advice. You don’t get to act buddy buddy, because they aren’t going to hang out with you.
Sometimes I feel like I just need to cry it all out. But I can’t. Because I can’t allow myself to cry over someone that means to little to me now. I can’t allow myself to cry over you yet again, when all those times were wasted because there would just be another the next day. So while I won’t say this to anyone, just fucking text me already. So that I can be strong enough to not reply, and so that I know you’re not fully a piece of scum like you have proven to be. Prove that there’s still a tiny piece of the old you left, so that I can at least sleep knowing that those two and a half years weren’t a total waste. Because I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but I can’t sleep anymore. Ever since you guys broke up, I can never get to sleep. I can never even get a text without fearing that it will be from you. Text me so I can sleep again, and be at peace with the fact that I will never be in your life again. By choice this time.
Also, I’m not really sure if I really loved you or not. I mean, I THOUGHT I did. I really thought I did, because why else would I put up with all of your shit? But as time goes on, sometimes I think I was just lonely. But being in love is a better reason for putting up with it than being lonely, so I’ll stick with loving you. But I know that I didn’t feel half the things for you, or want to do as much or work as hard or anything as much as I have wanted to with some other people that I wasn’t even dating. Maybe it was just puppy love, and I thought it had to be love because we had been together so long. I mean, I did only first tell you to make you stay on MSN and talk to me instead of watching Top Gear.
2 comments Tags: David, Ex, Feelings, Letters.
Hello 2012
Posted on: January 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm. 5 comments
I can not believe that it’s already 2012. Happy New Year to you all, and I hope you had a good night- even if it was just relaxing. I stayed over at a friends house with all my best friends, and we had a pot luck dinner and just overall had a great night. And took over 500 pictures, haha. But that’s generally what we always do. It’s really weird to think about the fact that it’s 2012- where the hell is the time going? I can’t believe it’s already January, because it feels like just last month was the beginning of 2011.
2011 was quite a year for me. I had a great trip to Florida, had a new boy in my life for quite a few months (we never did date, but.. it was a ‘thing’), dealt more with David the Douche and ultimately did get over him, even if it took until December. I became obsessed with dresses and country music, and overall I think I’ve changed as a person. I started (and completed) my first semester of college with exceptional grades (minus one class, but I have switched courses so the same thing wont happen next semester) and turned 19. This will be my last year as a teen, so I’ll make the next 11 months until my birthday count. I also saved enough to get a Macbook Pro, and my own truck. There are still a lot of things I want to work on in 2012 and a lot of things I want to learn, but I am looking forward to it all.
And like last year, here’s a recap of my top songs, artists and albums of 2011 (according to LastFM) because I know that they are vastly different than last year, with the exception of Taylor Swift still being the top in 2 of the 3 categories. Some things just never change 
5 comments Tags: 2011, David, Ex, Friends, Life, Luke Bryan, Music, N, New Year, New Years, Relationships, School, Taylor Swift, Top 10.
Sometimes I think I’m psychic.
Posted on: December 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm. 1 comment
There are three things I have to say to you:
1. I told you so.
b) I’m always right
3: Fuck you.
I told you she was a fucking psycho, and your response was less than human. Who is laughing now, when you (hopefully) have a black eye and I’m just wishing it was me who had given it to you. I won’t be surprised when you text me again, and I hope you’re not surprised when I don’t reply. I decided that, despite all of the things I have to say to you, I won’t reply. I hope you wont text me at all, and let me be in peace. Because you don’t deserve the satisfaction of hurting me, and I won’t give it to you this time. And I’m afraid that I wont be able to not reply, but at the same time I really want you to. So that I can prove to myself that I am stronger, and that you don’t mean shit to me anymore.
I deserve better, and you deserved that punch in the face that she gave you. I really wish I knew why she did it though. I should have seen it coming though, I did have a dream last night that I was talking to you.
1 comment Tags: Ex, Letters, Life, Moving On, Past, Rants.
Tomorrow
Posted on: October 16, 2011 at 11:55 pm. 2 comments
I know I’ve been M.I.A for awhile. With school, work, friends, birthdays, super nice October weather, 2 (and a half) visits to N, going to the CMT Hit List Tour (with David), getting asked out by a guy in my class, and many other things.. it’s hard to find time to blog.
There’s a lot I could say. To start, N and I are just going to be friends. His decision, and I understand. David and I, currently just friends. David’s ex and I… not really friends anymore, I don’t think. Because he told her that he wants us to get back together (which is something I figured he would never tell her) and now she basically hates me and went a little bit psycho. But I was starting to get the psycho vibe from her before any of that happened (and just a little side note: nothing has happened with David and I).
And even just now, I got sidetracked from this blog. And I have to be up in 7 hours for school, so I’m going to sleep now. But I promise to try and update you all on my life soon, and hopefully get a new layout soon too! I am learning more about graphic (and a little web) design, so I might as well put it to use!
