See You When I See You
Posted on: June 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm. 1 comment
Day 17 – A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
I’m not really sure there is one. Eat Pray Love kind of changed my view on my own life, because when reading it I related it a lot to what I was going through at the time so it helped out. But I’m not really sure if that counts.
David sent me a text message today. I was thinking (randomly) today at work, about how pissed off I actually was by the things he’s done to me. I guess I just kind of suppressed it somewhere. But I realized it, and I thought about how I was going to come home from work and delete him from facebook just so he wouldn’t be involved in my life at all anymore (he keeps commenting on my statuses). As soon as I got upstairs to my locker, I looked at my phone and had a text from him. OF COURSE, right when I plan on deleting him from facebook (he’s already been deleted from my phone). He just asked ‘is it okay if I text you?’ and I simply asked why, when we aren’t even allowed to be friends. He said we could, blah, blah. I asked him if he was happy with his new girlfriend, and if he planned on staying with her for awhile (just out oc curiousity, mostly) and he said yes. So I said okay, well I don’t want a friendship with conditions (he told me we could only be friends if other people were there. And I couldn’t be a real friend until his girlfriend approved, basically) so yes, I do mind if he texts me so please stop.
I need to be done with him. I don’t want the complications he brings when he’s in my life. I need to move on, and have peace. I was reading old blog entries the other day, and I had to stop because the amount of shit that I put up with because of him made me want to cry. After tonight, I swear I am done crying over that fool.
I need a mental health day. A day to just sit and do absolutely nothing but whatever the hell I want to do. I have to work another 16 hours over the next two days though. I just need a break from life…
1 comment Tags: 30 Day Truth Challenge, Boys, David, Hurt, Life, Past, Relationships.
Ours
Posted on: December 31, 2010 at 12:52 am. 4 comments
I once again feel like so much has happened since I last posted. I usually don’t go this long without posting, but I feel like ever since Christmas I have barely been home. And when I am, it’s just for sleeping, showering, doing my design or doing small things and then I just leave again. It’s been a mix of working, shopping (a lot of that), hanging out with friends, hanging out with David, spending the day (Thursday) in Michigan dropping my sister off… it’s just been busy.
I bought a new camera earlier tonight. It’s a Samsung 12MP ES70 & it was on sale so I decided to use the remainder of my christmas money on it. My sister ended up leaving her D60 with me while she’s in Michigan for the weekend though, but I still wanted one to keep with me whenever & it’s a nice, small pretty good camera for the price I paid ($79). I’ve also bought a leather jacket, cowboy boots, various new sweaters, a book, cute post it notes, and a bunch of random things so I somehow blew through all $300+ of my christmas money.. oops. Oh well, the most of that money I spend, the less of my work money I spend.. so it all works out in the end.
Okay so, some of you were probably confused by the mention of me hanging out with David up there ^ since in the last posts, I’ve been all grr David is such an asshole, don’t apologize to me, blah blah blah. In the name of my ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’ motto for next year & in annoyance of his pleas for forgiveness, and swearing he’d changed, that I’d be blown away by it, etc.. I gave him another chance. It was supposed to be just as friends; we would hang out if possible, just so I would see that he had changed and wasn’t an asshole & wanted to be civil. (He also suggested us being friends with benefits but, no. Not happening.) So we’ve actually been hanging out a LOT & honestly, it does seem like he has changed. He said that he thinks he was trying to find himself, so he changed who he was in college but then at the end, he realized that it wasn’t who he was & realized that he had lost himself (or something) so wanted to go back. And in all the times we’ve hung out, he’s been so sweet and just.. idk. It’s FELT like old times, before any after prom issues or any falling out of love issues.
And of course, that led to things being more than friends but not quite lovers. Quite. It’s been going in slow stages, with lots of my crying in between. I’ve cried.. three times in the past two days with him? Maybe because I’m scared. Or maybe because I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this. Or maybe because it feels SO MUCH like the old us used to feel, the good us, and that makes me want it so badly but I don’t want it to just disappear again as quickly as it did last time. I can not go through all of that again. So I’ve been holding steady with my willpower & not letting anything more than kissing happening, but.. idk, we got carried away. And before anything finished, I just stopped and started bawling my eyes out. Like, insane shaking crying that I didn’t even really know what caused it (well, kind of knew) & knew I shouldn’t be crying so irrationally but I was anyways because I’m a girl and I can’t help it and maybe a little bit because I’ll be visited by a dreaded lady-friend next week. Idk. But he just hugged me (very tightly) and waited until I was done crying, told me to let it out & then to talk when I was ready. And it was still hard, and then lead to me crying again. But I just don’t know where we’ll go.
Things have to be different this time, if there is a this time. I know that I’m naive to think that he really did change and that things just wont go right back to how they were before, because I’ve seen it happen time & time again with other people, and with him & I especially. I just.. I really love having him back. Just hanging out, and napping and making out and going to Best Buy and texting and being happy and him being sweet and telling me that he just likes looking at my eyes, and just likes hanging out with me. But I can’t help but have those nagging feelings, the.. is it just for sex? Is he just saying those things to reel me back in then hurt me? Will he change again once school starts again? (He doesn’t think so.) Will I ever be the girl for him, considering he said when we broke up that he just doesn’t think I am? Is it just because he’s lonely? Is it just because I’m lonely? Is this really a good idea?
Why do I question so many things about it when it makes me happy to feel like us again?
I just don’t know. I know all of you are for the most part anti-David, and this wasn’t in my plan. Well, I mean.. I always suspected that when he finished school and realized what an asshole he was & what he’d lost, he’d come wanting me back. But I didn’t expect him to be that old him again, and say all the right things and just.. have this happen all over again. I don’t know if I should just let it go, or even if I can just let it go.
4 comments Tags: Camera, David, Hurt, Love, Money, Purchases, Relationships, Sex, Technology, Work.
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
Posted on: December 2, 2010 at 11:38 pm. 4 comments
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year
I believe it was this song, but i’m not too sure. I know that I did listen to this song a lot more later in december, particularly around the 20th. The times when I wasn’t happy in my relationship, but felt like I couldn’t get out. Now I’m out, and like I thought I would.. I still don’t know how to deal with it.
So that’s the end of the 30 day song challenge. Is it just me, or did that challenge go by really fast? I don’t feel like blogging tonight, so maybe tomorrow.
4 comments Tags: 30 Day Song Challenge, Boys, Hurt, Music, Pain, Past, Relationships, Songs, Videos.
Message in a Bottle
Posted on: November 17, 2010 at 8:06 pm. 2 comments
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Okay, so this more describes my current thoughts, but I guess that relates to describing me so it works. If I could see the future and how this plays out, I bet it’s better than where we are now. I heard this song the other day at co-op on the radio. The lyric that stood out to me was ‘You and I will be a tough act to follow’, so I then goolged that line & found the song, listening to the whole thing a few times and then downloaded it as soon as it got home. Well, downloaded the whole album actually. It just fits how I feel. At times, at least.
For the first time in quite a long time, I finished an entire book today. I read Shriya’s blog post about the book Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks. While shopping the other day, it was one of the books in the list of books I want to read that I texted to myself while I was browsing books to buy at the bookstore (yes, I send text messages to myself from time to time). Since I’m a cheapo, I was going to wait until I could use my sister’s Irewards card (that I oh so conveniently got for her for her birthday, because I knew I could also use it. mwahahaha) to get a discount. Reading her post about the book inspired me to check out the online library catalog, and it just so happened that Message in a Bottle wasn’t checked out. So I got it, along with 6 other Nicholas Sparks books and as soon as I got home, I snuggled up with my Toy Story blanket, a nice hot cup of earl grey tea and I just read. For hours.
I finished it just a little while ago, and it was a really good book. I won’t go too much into detail for those who may want to read it, but it’s essentially about a woman who is a columnist in Boston. While on vacation, she finds a message in a bottle from a man named Garrett, and written for Catherine. The letter really touches her, and when she finds more letters she eventually goes and sets out on trying to find him. The ending really wasn’t what I expected, but I now totally understand why it had Shriya in tears. In her blog post, she talks about if it’s better to have loved and lost, or never love at all, as that is one of the main lingering questions in the book. While I touched on the topic of loved and lost a bit during the 30 day prompt, I still believe, even after just recently being hurt again from love.. that it is better to have loved and lost. With love, you get the experience & you get the happiness that comes with love, that can’t quite be found the same in the love of family, or friendship. I’ve been hurt in the past, and there are times when I never want to see the face of a boy ever again.. but as you read in this book, life goes on & being hurt just makes you stronger in the end. You get more of a sense of what you want out of life, and out of love. And you get the experience to go for it.
Now, I’m off to go through the list of page numbers I wrote down with quotes that I liked, and add them to quotetastic 
I highly suggest this book for any romance lovers. It’s quite cute, even if it is sad.
