Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
Posted on: December 2, 2010 at 11:38 pm. 4 comments
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year
I believe it was this song, but i’m not too sure. I know that I did listen to this song a lot more later in december, particularly around the 20th. The times when I wasn’t happy in my relationship, but felt like I couldn’t get out. Now I’m out, and like I thought I would.. I still don’t know how to deal with it.
So that’s the end of the 30 day song challenge. Is it just me, or did that challenge go by really fast? I don’t feel like blogging tonight, so maybe tomorrow.
4 comments Tags: 30 Day Song Challenge, Boys, Hurt, Music, Pain, Past, Relationships, Songs, Videos.
Message in a Bottle
Posted on: November 17, 2010 at 8:06 pm. 2 comments
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Okay, so this more describes my current thoughts, but I guess that relates to describing me so it works. If I could see the future and how this plays out, I bet it’s better than where we are now. I heard this song the other day at co-op on the radio. The lyric that stood out to me was ‘You and I will be a tough act to follow’, so I then goolged that line & found the song, listening to the whole thing a few times and then downloaded it as soon as it got home. Well, downloaded the whole album actually. It just fits how I feel. At times, at least.
For the first time in quite a long time, I finished an entire book today. I read Shriya’s blog post about the book Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks. While shopping the other day, it was one of the books in the list of books I want to read that I texted to myself while I was browsing books to buy at the bookstore (yes, I send text messages to myself from time to time). Since I’m a cheapo, I was going to wait until I could use my sister’s Irewards card (that I oh so conveniently got for her for her birthday, because I knew I could also use it. mwahahaha) to get a discount. Reading her post about the book inspired me to check out the online library catalog, and it just so happened that Message in a Bottle wasn’t checked out. So I got it, along with 6 other Nicholas Sparks books and as soon as I got home, I snuggled up with my Toy Story blanket, a nice hot cup of earl grey tea and I just read. For hours.
I finished it just a little while ago, and it was a really good book. I won’t go too much into detail for those who may want to read it, but it’s essentially about a woman who is a columnist in Boston. While on vacation, she finds a message in a bottle from a man named Garrett, and written for Catherine. The letter really touches her, and when she finds more letters she eventually goes and sets out on trying to find him. The ending really wasn’t what I expected, but I now totally understand why it had Shriya in tears. In her blog post, she talks about if it’s better to have loved and lost, or never love at all, as that is one of the main lingering questions in the book. While I touched on the topic of loved and lost a bit during the 30 day prompt, I still believe, even after just recently being hurt again from love.. that it is better to have loved and lost. With love, you get the experience & you get the happiness that comes with love, that can’t quite be found the same in the love of family, or friendship. I’ve been hurt in the past, and there are times when I never want to see the face of a boy ever again.. but as you read in this book, life goes on & being hurt just makes you stronger in the end. You get more of a sense of what you want out of life, and out of love. And you get the experience to go for it.
Now, I’m off to go through the list of page numbers I wrote down with quotes that I liked, and add them to quotetastic 
I highly suggest this book for any romance lovers. It’s quite cute, even if it is sad.
2 comments Tags: 30 Day Song Challenge, Books, Hurt, Life, Loss, Love, Nicholas Sparks, Pain, Thoughts.
I Lived In Your Chess Game
Posted on: October 27, 2010 at 3:43 pm. 2 comments
I’m still holding on. I worked last night, and it was alright to get my mind off of things but I’m sure it was pretty clear to people that I wasn’t in the greatest of moods, and I was putting on a giant mask when asking everyone how their day was, and telling them that I’m doing good. It’s probably the complete opposite, but that didn’t show until last night when I was going to bed.
I just broke down, even though I tried to hold it in. I figured I should just let it out, and even now I’m still fighting back tears. I haven’t given in though, and I have yet to talk to him at all since yesterday when I told him I knew I’d find someone better than him. I didn’t go to co-op today because I just didn’t feel up to acting like I was okay today. I told my mom I had a headache (which I did, probably from massive amounts of tears) and that I felt like throwing up (which I did, just not enough to actually not go to co-op) and so I just had to call in to my placement & my co-op teacher, and I went back to bed. I’ve been listening to my Speak Now playlist all day and I constantly have 5 or more tabs open with lyrics to the songs.
But tomorrow, I’ll get my shit together and go to co-op, as well as school after co-op. I’ll spend some time with my hohohooker in hopes that he can cheer me up and then work on some projects because midterms are almost here and I’d like to not be failing at that time. Then I’ll do it again on friday, go to work, work all day saturday & hopefully eventually, I won’t be pretending to be okay: I’ll actually just be okay. Either way, despite the hurt.. it’s a lot better for me to be moving on, and in the place I am in now than to be still holding on, hoping things will change & wishing that we were back to normal. Things will never go back to normal, so I need to move on & find someone where, being normal won’t involve hurt or tears or pretending.
There’s been thousands of things that have reminded me of him, and thousands of things I’ve wanted to say to him. But I just block those things out of my mind, and refuse to allow myself to text him. I still have two of his sweaters, and I was going to text him to tell him to come & get them but if he really wants them, he can let me know and eventually, he can come & get them. I was tempted to tell him to come and get them tonight, so we could also talk (not about getting back together, at all) about everything that happened. I don’t want him back, but I still want to know WHY but I doubt I’ll ever get that out of him, because while he said he ‘doesn’t know’, I assume he does & just doesn’t want to hurt me by telling me the truth. It is very hard for me to NOT be the person who keeps trying to make this work, but eventually you can’t be the only one trying. Eventually, it hurts to much & you have no choice but to move on.
I thank you all for the comments; it means a lot to me, and reading some made me tear up. I should have been done back in July when all of this crap started, but I stupidly held on. So I won’t let myself do that anymore, and now the stopping of tears isn’t working as well as I planned so I’m going to switch topics.
I haven’t posted about this due to the uproar yesterday, but I did in fact get my Nikon D3100 on Monday 
It’s amazing, and I’m going to be learning for a long time how to take amazing pictures. My mom & I went on a picture walk around the pond in town Monday night after I got it, and I’ll be going to Halloween Haunt night @ Westfield on Saturday night so I’ll take some pictures & then sort through them all and post some. This post is getting prettty long now, which makes three super long posts in three days so I’ll end it here. I hope you’ve all been having a better week than I have, and if not.. I hope yours (and mine) gets better 
2 comments Tags: Boys, Camera, Co-Op, David, Hurt, Life, Moving On, Nikon D3100, Pain, Relationships, School, Work.
The Story of Us
Posted on: October 26, 2010 at 3:39 pm. 5 comments
Looks a lot like a tragedy now. David and I are done now. I asked him if, despite thinking it wouldn’t work, did he still feel like he wanted to be with me? He said ‘not now’, and you know what’s at the beginning of that phrase? No. So I told him if it’s not now, it’s not ever & that I was done, and no longer putting myself through his shit.
“You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain, and I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday. Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight; well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why. Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone?”
I’m trying to hold it together. I’m trying to just see that this is for the better and that to keep putting myself through this is essentially just as bad as starving myself or attempting to slice my skin off. Because in the end, I’m the one hurting myself over and over again, getting myself into a cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.
“Well maybe it’s me and my blind optimism to blame, or maybe it’s you and your sick need to give love and take it away.. and I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when they said? ‘Run as fast as you can’”
I can not keep putting myself through this. So I no longer am. Everyone told me, to run as fast as I could but I didn’t listen. Was that a mistake? Probably. Did it teach me more by not listening though? Definitely.
“I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58. The words that you whispered for just us to know; told me you loved me, so why did you go away?”
I could think of the good memories, but doing that just makes me sad. I could think of the time he told me in the middle of the night as we shared a bed that he loved me, but that’s not going to help me get over him. We had good times, yes.. but in the end, he is not the one for me because the one for me wouldn’t put me through so much shit, like he did.
“So I’ll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are; hope it’s nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines, and it’s a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed; You can plan for a change in weather and town.. but I never planned on you changing your mind.”
I didn’t plan on you changing your mind. I used to cry at just the THOUGHT of us breaking up, and I could never, ever imagine that you’d just up & stop loving me. But you did. And maybe you have your reasons, even if they made absolutely no sense but I hope you realize that what I put up with, the next girl won’t. The things I did for you, the next girl won’t. The tears I cried and the lies I believed, I hope to god the next girl won’t.
“Oh, I’m scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing? I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how, I’ve never heard silence quite this loud.”
When I said goodbye, he said he was sure I’d find someone better. I know, for a fact.. that I will, eventually, find someone a hell of a lot better. Someone who won’t make me cry, or make me feel like I can’t wear certain things or eat what I want to. Someone who won’t harp at me for spending MY money, or get mad at me for caring, wanting to know that they get home safely & wanting to hang out and spend time with them. Someone who won’t make me cry on birthday’s or anniversaries.. someone who will just love me, and not change their mind about it two weeks later.
“And I’m dying to know is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah. I don’t know what to say, it’s a twist of fate ’cause we’re going down, and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. The end.”
It used to kill me, and in all honestly.. it still does, and probably will for awhile. But I can’t let that get to me. There is someone, a LOT better for me out there & you just gave me the opportunity to look for him. You said that you didn’t want to change me, because then you’d be changing the person that someone else could fall in love with.. but you’ve already changed me. Without even meaning too, I guess. I’m a different person now, and so are you. The only thing is, I think I’m a different person for the better. You can say you wanting to party is just because you want to feel included, but I have ALWAYS tried to include you, and I think that was probably a mistake.
“You and I walk a fragile line. I have known it all this time but I never thought I’d live to see it break; It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet.”
I’m done walking on the stupid fragile line. I’m done pretending that us having sex will get us back together, and I’m done ignoring everything screaming at me saying it’s not going to get better. It’s NOT going to get better with us, because you won’t put in the effort. I tried, and I tried but that’s all I could do. I can’t make you want me, and I can’t make you try. I can’t convince you that I think we could work, and I’m DONE trying to do all these things when I know in the back of my mind, that it will just fail.
“Come on, come on don’t leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out. Something’s gone terribly wrong; You’re all I wanted. Come on, come on don’t leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out; Can’t breathe whenever you gone, can’t turn back now, I’m haunted. Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still mean every word I said to you”
I am hanuted, by the fact that I let this go on so long. I just deleted all of your texts, including the locked ones. I just deleted you from my contact list, and I hope from my life as well, at least for the time being. I can not let myself get haunted by you over and over again. I thought I had you figured out, but then you went and changed your mind again. And I can’t stop you from doing that, but I can stop myself from being put through that.
“Last night I heard my own heart beating, sounded like footsteps on my stairs. Six months gone and I’m still reaching even though I know you’re not there. I was playing back a thousand memories, baby; thinking ’bout everything we’ve been through. Maybe I’ve been going back too much lately, when time stood still and I had you.”
I play back the memories all the time. I’m reminded of you all the time and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. It’s hard for me to just think ‘okay, we had good times so I’ll remember those’ when I would rather think of the bad times, and remind myself anytime I think ‘hey, maybe I should text him..’ that it is a bad idea. It will put me right back in this trap that I need to get out of, and should have got out of long ago.
“I watched superman fly away. You’ve got a busy day today, to save the world. I’ll be around, I watched superman fly away. Come back, I’ll deal with you someday; I’ll be right here on the ground, when you come back down. And I watch you fly around the world, and I hope you’re texting some other girl; I hope you don’t forget about me, I’m far away but I’ll never let you go. I’m lovestruck and looking out the window, don’t forget, don’t forget where I’ll be; Right here wishing the flowers were from you, wishing the card was from you.”
When I was first picking out the lyrics for this, I thought this applied. But it really doesn’t. I will let you go, eventually. When you come back, wishing that you didn’t end things .. I will not be here. When that day comes when you realize that I gave you everything I could and more, and you realize that you aren’t going to find that same kind of love that I was giving to you, and you want it back.. and you want me back, I’m not going to come back to you. When all is said and done, and you realize that you not having friends has nothing to do with where you live or that you’re an only child.. When you realize that it’s really just YOU, and your harsh judgments and expectations that drive people away, you will also realize that I was the only one who put up with you & all of those things when I didn’t have to. When you realize that working and always doing something isn’t the most important thing, and you just want to have a quiet night with someone else but you have no one to do it with, I will not be here, waiting for the call asking me to hang out.
“Will you take a moment, promise me this. That you’ll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye… If you have children some day, when they point to the pictures.. please tell them my name.”
So, while you all have full right to say it.. I ask for no ‘I told you so’ comments. Will I stick with this, and actually stay away? Who knows. For now, I’ve decided I’m just going to throw myself back out there. Not for a rebound, but to try to find the person who is really right for me. It may take awhile, or it may be someone right around me now. But this time, I’ll be all the wiser to know the type of guy to stay away from. And I know that this isn’t really the story of what happened, and how we went from being fine to being over in a matter of a few days. But I can’t explain that to you, because I don’t really understand it myself. One week he loves me, and the next he doesn’t. One wee we’ll work out, and the next there’s no chance in hell. He can’t make up his mind & that’s killing me & wasting time.. I need so much more than that. So, I’m giving myself the chance to get more than that.
